Why should people-pleasers set boundaries?
A boundary is a statement of your needs and your limits of tolerance. We all have our limits, but people-pleasers are often not aware of them, or will ignore their limits to try to stay agreeable. Boundaries are sometimes scary for people pleasers! They are the opposite of people-pleasing; they prioritize you and your needs, and encourage you to take action that puts you first, which isn’t always pleasing to others.
People-pleasers spend a lot of time anticipating what others might want or need, and will give too much of themselves to try to seem acceptable, lovable, successful, and overall worthwhile to others. They fear abandonment and rejection, but more importantly, they also fear (and use people-pleasing to avoid) the difficult emotions that can arise with rejection.
To soothe their anxiety and avoid emotional distress, people-pleasers reject themselves and lean on perfectionism, over-giving, and over-agreeing in the hope they can remain acceptable to others. They’ll stay in relationships they don’t even want or enjoy, and they struggle to gain anything but stress from relationships that could be healthy and rewarding.
Boundaries can help heal people-pleasers’ relationships with others and themselves
People-pleasing can feed mental health conditions like BPD, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. It can cause resentment, fear, hypervigilance, and playing a role instead of being yourself. Relationships feel unstable, like they could evaporate at any moment, and that instability further erodes a people-pleaser’s sense of self-worth and safety in relationships.
So, as a people-pleaser, why set boundaries?
We need safe, accepting relationships to feel secure and satisfied in life. People-pleasing and the constant worry it creates make it difficult to ever feel safe or like people are pleased with you. Boundaries are a form of interpersonal effectiveness; they are a behavior choice that helps you have interactions that meet your needs, respect your limits, and allow you to feel secure.
When you use boundaries to be authentic and honest when relating to people, you’ll find yourself in fewer draining or toxic relationships. Boundaries aren’t just “I can’t be around people who do this,” but can include expressing needs like how you like to communicate, activities you enjoy, and being liked for being yourself is more rewarding and less stressful, and you’ll feel much more secure in the connections that respect your boundaries.
How to set a boundary using the DBT skills
Dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT, provides you with a variety of skills that people-pleasers can use to set boundaries, focusing on mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and especially interpersonal effectiveness.
The practice scripts below use DBT skills to help you develop your boundary, communicate it, and defend it, without resorting to people-pleasing to avoid discomfort or anxiety. Try to come up with your own practice scripts to help you cope ahead with scenarios in your own life where you need boundaries, like work conversations or family gatherings.
What are the basic steps of setting a boundary using DBT skills?
Step 1: Decide on your boundary
Decide what your boundary will be, and what the consequence will be for overstepping your boundary. Use mindfulness to pay attention to how you feel right now and the specifics of the current situation.
The How DBT skill can help you here. How do you want things to go when you use this boundary? The How DBT skill asks you to use:
- Non-judgment of yourself for wanting and setting the boundary (and non-judgment of others whether they meet it or not; the goal is not justice or punishment, but effectively meeting your needs).
- Mindfulness of the moment to help you set aside fears and anxieties about past experiences or future outcomes
- Discernment to choose the most effective boundary. Not the boundary that is easiest for you to enforce, nor easiest for the other person to meet, but the boundary that will most likely meet your needs.
Practice script:
“I need ___________________. I don’t need to worry about ______________ that happened in the past, and I don’t need to let _____________ possibly happening in the future stop me from stating my boundary. If I tell people _________________ is my boundary, it will most effectively meet my need.”
Step 2: Use DEAR MAN to communicate your boundary
Use the DEAR MAN interpersonal effectiveness DBT skill to effectively communicate your needs and wants, calmly and honestly, without engaging in arguments or being swayed away from your values.
Describe the situation, your needs, and the boundary you want to set, stated in simple facts.
“I am having a hard time with __________________, and it has been happening a lot lately. I need things to change.”
Express your feelings, don’t assume the other person automatically knows how you’re feeling or why.
“I feel _______________ when this happens, and I feel __________ when you ignore me when I try to tell you how I am feeling.”
Assert yourself by stating what you want, and asking the other person to abide by it. Don’t assume people will understand what you mean, state things plainly.
“When ___________ happens, and I ask you to talk about something else/do something else, I need you to please do what I ask.”
Reinforce what will happen if your boundary is respected, and what will happen if it is not. Remember, this is about what you will do, not punishment or revenge.
“If _____________ keeps happening, I will have to stop this conversation and go home. If you can drop the subject/try something else/etc., then I can stay.”
Mindfully focus on your boundary. If the other person tries to argue, attack you, ignore you, distract you with their own hurt feelings, etc., stick to stating your boundary, over and over.
“I hear you, but if ______________ keeps happening, I will have to stop talking and go home. If you can can drop the subject/try something else/etc., then I can stay.”
Appear confident, calm, effective. Use eye contact and assertive posture, but do not yell, whisper, shrink, or try to intimidate the other person.
Negotiate. The other person might ask you for something that you consider reasonable, like a reminder while they get used to your boundary. Consider what they ask for, and if it is reasonable to you, accept and incorporate it into your boundary.
“You’re worried you’ll forget? I can speak up if my boundary is crossed. If you can stop talking about it after I mention it, I can stay. We can work together on this.”
How does boundary setting fit into intensive depression therapy at a mental health treatment center near me?
People-pleasing is a common symptom for people with BPD, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, and DBT can help people-pleasers to stop self-abandoning and start relating to others in a way that effectively meets their needs and goals. Interpersonal effectiveness is just one of the skills covered in DBT-based intensive depression therapy at THIRA Health.
Setting boundaries is a healthy way to relate to other people, but for people who have relied on people-pleasing to manage fear of rejection or abandonment, setting boundaries can feel difficult without practice and support. At THIRA Health, you’ll have access to empathetic DBT-focused therapists who support you in individual and group therapy sessions, where you can learn how to use DBT skills to set boundaries and leave people-pleasing behind you.
If you’re ready to start feeling like life is worth living, connect with us today to see how our intensive depression therapy with Bellevue, Washington-based therapists can help.
